Entitlement

     Why is it that some people feel as though the world owes them?  They don't think they should work. They don't think they should pay their bills. They think that everything should be handed to them.
     I saw an event last week on fb trying to save some guy from jail. Turns out he hasn't bothered to pay his child support at all.  I don't know the situation, but I have no desire to support some guy that thinks its ok not to take care of his child. I don't care how much you hate your ex, if you have a child then you need to take care of your responsibilities.
     I see people complaining about people on unemployment and food stamps. Some people actually need the help to get by. The problems come in when people think that they are owed a new flat screen, an iPad and unlimited cell service as well. I have no problem helping people when times are tough, but if you are getting help, then be grateful and try to help yourself.  You can't tell me that you can't afford food when you are paying $100/month for a cell phone and another $100 for cable tv and internet. 
     I'm feeling over stressed lately. I started writing to try to make people laugh and I can see my stress coming out by the thoughts that get written.  Hopefully when the dust settles and I'm through all the changes coming then the funny will come back...
Happy Hump Day!

Bah Humbug... well, not entirely

     So I told people this week that I don't believe in Valentine's Day.  The horror that crossed their faces was priceless.  I have nothing against a good dinner, flowers, candy or jewelry.  I just don't think that anyone should feel forced to do that in the name of love because it's Feb 14.  If J goes to the grocery store one night and comes home with some $10 flowers that means 100 times more to me than if he dropped $100 on roses because I'll get mad if he doesn't.  I think that it is very important to show your person that you love them, but every day, not just Feb 14.  Gestures don't have to be grand.  J shows me that he loves me by taking the girls to school so I can get to sleep earlier or by having my  fake coffee ready when I get up.  I am supposed to stay off the caffeine and so he has to make mine special.
     It's funny though to try to not show the girls that I am a "scrooge" about Valentine's when it is still so fun to them.  They love the cards and the candy and picking out which ones they are going to give to which kid in their classes.  I have a few years left before I have to explain my views on it to them.  Hopefully before some boy breaks a heart because he didn't get her something.
     The funny thing is though, this was probably the best Valentine's day I have had in a while.  J picked the girls up from school and let me sleep till 4pm (I didn't get home until 9:30 that morning).  He cooked me breakfast/dinner when I got up.  He fed the girls.  He sent me a sweet E-card and we hung out and together and listened to music.  I actually sent him a card that I made on my cool little Ink app, but I sent it to his folk's house because I though he was going to be there.  So hopefully his mom enjoys the card.  It is a pic of us from the VT football game, so maybe....
     Love is important to me.  I try to show my friends, family and J just how much they mean to me every chance I get.  I want to feel loved, but I don't want any one's feelings hurt because someone said that if you don't get A, B & C on Feb 14 then you aren't loved.  My friend's are the awesomest people I know.  That's why they are my friends.  That and because they'll put up with me...  Happy Feb 17th all.  If  you are reading this, you are awesome.

A day in the life...

     I always wonder if the amount of things I do in a day are normal, or if I really am crazy to continue to try to keep going at the rate I'm going...

7:15am- get off work,
7:20-8am- ride home with a co-worker because the *#&%#*& van is over heating (I just fixed the van a month ago or I wouldn't be calling it names), take the dog out, feed him, wake J up and find out if he is taking the van in, find something to eat, attempt to go to sleep.
8am- start watching Modern Family on Hulu cause I'm not even the slightest bit tired.  Bad idea, I LOVE Modern Family.  Prolly the only show I am always caught up on.  Anything that makes me laugh out loud stays at the top of my list.  Like Kate's awesome blog (www.thenestedblog.com)  No matter how many times J says I'm stalking her, I'm gonna keep reading cause she always makes me laugh.
8:25- grab a beer and start watching less entertaining show, cause I'm still wide awake.
9:15- Think I dozed off cause J's text seems to wake me up.  Van is not good.  Will not be done today. 
9:18- Start calling the ex to see if he can get the girls.  Nothing is ever a quick conversation with him.
11:40- Text received- "I'm 99.9% sure they are going to offer you the job.  Get your resignation letter ready!! And your backup babysitters."  Couldn't turn the ringer off cause of the girls and the van.  I've been waiting on pins and needles to hear about the interview I went to on Friday and now I'm SUPER excited and can't sleep. 
11:55- Give up on the bed and go tell J the news.  Realist that he is, talks me back down and says that it's not 100% and that I shouldn't let my hopes get too high.  Sounds meaner than it is, but he knows that I REALLY want this and that I'd be crushed if I don't get it.
12:10 Back to bed.  Please, please, please let me sleep....
12:20- Call from mechanic.  Van will be ready.  Text the ex to see what the plan is.
12:30- Text again.  Gotta love being ignored.
1240- Text again.  Yes, I am going to keep it up...
12:45- Call because obviously he isn't going to respond.  Change plans again.  Gotta pick the bugs up from school.  Call school.  Try again to sleep.
1:30- So much for sleep today.  Off to get my van and my girls. 
2:40- Too early for school pick up, so pit stop at Publix it is.  At least I can hit the store without all the girls.
3:30- Call from Nursing Recruiter with a job offer!!!!!!!!!!!  Only bad thing is trying to ask all my questions in a car full of kids plus J.  Maybe he remembers the conversation...
3:45- Finally home.  Finishing the phone call and trying to get the dog walked again.  And it's time to clean out the van because J and I decided that we should get rid of one of the seats in the van and I think I found Jim Henson's inspiration for the TrashHeap.  The amount of stuff under this seat was seriously scary.  Good news- the girls get to clean it.  Bad news- the need LOTS of supervision to accomplish any cleaning task.  But at least I'm not actually cleaning that mess up.
4:30- Off to the pool with the kiddos.  OK, I'm stretching the truth a little here.  J took them so I could get showered for work in peace.
5:00- Everyone home and I'm dressed for work.  Now it's time for homework!  Yippee.  I hope you can detect the sarcasm.  At least Sky doesn't usually need help.
5:30- still working on homework, trying to pack my work lunch and work bag, trying to find something to eat before work cause I don't remember actually eating anything up until this point.
6:00 2/3 done with their homework and now it's time to get the laundry put away.  (Yes, I'm adding to the giant pile of needs to be folded/hung up pile that I have been growing for 2 weeks.  I swear I'll put them away tomorrow.)
6:15- Finally out the door to work.  Maybe the day will calm down once I'm at the hospital... Maybe...  OK, please?????

     Sorry for the not so exciting post, but does anyone else have days like this 95% of the time?  No wonder I am asleep on the couch at 9pm on my days off. 
     And if you just started skimming (and I really don't blame you if you did) and missed it,  I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!  I definitely want the job.  Now comes all the fear and self doubt.  Am I doing the right thing by switching?  Will this help my situation?  Will I be upset that I no longer have 4 days off a week?  I know I won't miss working all night.  My body is constantly tired.  Gotta give notice to my boss and tell my coworkers tomorrow... scary.

My religious ponderings...

     I am a Christian.  I go to church almost every Sunday.  I go to Sunday school.  I try to stay involved in my church.  I do bible readings at home.  I try to act like a Christian in public (I do fail at times, but I'm trying).  So why is it that I am afraid embarrassed shy about sharing my beliefs with others?  Is it because I don't want to come across as someone that pushes my beliefs on others?  Is it that I'm not ready for the conversations that it could entail?  Or is it that I am afraid of being judged?
     I always have wondered about the "imaginary audience" and how it changes my behavior.  I will be the 1st to admit that I am painfully shy and that I have somewhat low self-esteem.  I honestly try to fix it, but at this point I don't know how much better it can get.  I wonder if part of my reluctance to share verses that touch me is because I'm afraid of being judged by this imaginary audience or if it is just that I don't want any one to feel that I am pushing my beliefs upon them.
     Growing up, everyone seemed to go to church.  When my parents divorced, I stopped going to Catholic school, and my dad and I stopped going to church.  We seemed to be the minority.  Eventually, I started reaching out to religion on my own.  I tried multiple churches until I found one that I was comfortable with and stayed there.  I missed many of the rights of passage that a Catholic child should have gone through, but somehow I still ended up at a Catholic college.  I went through some tough times, pulled away from the church and married a complete non-believer.  That marriage ended for many reasons (that I will never go into here) and I found myself drawn back to church.  I found my church home in the local Presbyterian church and I feel as if I am becoming part of the church family.
     These days, I still feel as if I am in the minority.  This time, though, it is for going to church.  Has my generation pulled away from church, or is that just my perception?  From what I see around me, and please feel free to correct me if I am wrong, so many people in my generation think that our parents screwed up big time and therefor are doing the exact opposite of what their parents did.  In some families, the children have more power that the adults.  And going to church is a big no-no.  I see so many aspects of today's society that I find appalling and I wonder how much of it is caused by this anti-church trend.
     I wonder often how many of our nation's problems would be solved if we went back to the beliefs of our parents and grandparents.  I HATE what has become acceptable in our culture.  I HATE the language, dress, behavior and promiscuity of the generations after mine.  I hate that people comment on my children's manners because it means that so many people are completely lacking in manners.  Please, thank you, yes sir, and yes ma'am should be the norm, not the exception.
     I know that I am the "mean mom".  I don't think that my children get to make the rules.  I don't think that poor behavior is acceptable.  My children must use manners or they will hear about it and there will be consequences.  We go to church, we treat people with respect, we limit electronic time, we go outside and play.  I don't claim that I am doing it right, but I really don't think that my parents screwed up my values and I hope that I am raising my girls to have some values.
     But I still don't know why I have such a hard time sharing my beliefs.  Is it a generational thing?  Am I still trying to be a "cool kid"?  Is it my shy nature?  Hopefully as I continue to get more involved in the church and the more I try to instill the Christian values into my girls, the less fear I will have.  Happy Monday...

Fingers and toes crossed and saying a few prayers and hoping...

     This will be a short post, but I have to share with someone or I'll go crazy....  I've applied for a job and I think I actually have a good chance at getting it. I should have a good recommendation from the nurse that I talked to and she knows people that know me and my skill level. Application is submitted and phone calls were made, now it is out of my hands.
     That makes me SOOOOOO nervous.  I'm also so very nervous about change. I'm going to have to go back to working 5 days a week. I'm going to have to give up a lot of my time in the girls' classrooms and my free days with them.  I'm also not going to have to work all night any more.  I hope that the girls will understand the loss of time with them during the day for the free nights and weekends.

     I don't know how long it will take until the waiting drives me absolutely crazy.  I don't keep secrets well and I really don't want everyone that I work with to know that I might be leaving.  I know they know that I am maxed out, but I don't want questions until I actually get a job offer.  I'm also trying so very hard not to get my hopes up.  I tend to get my hopes up way too high and then when it falls through I tend to be crushed.  So my goal for the next 2 weeks is to stay calm and not to get my hopes too high...  Fingers crossed.

I refuse to ever teach her AGAIN....

     I think that I must be one of the world's worst students.  I tend to be a smartass and too smart for my own good some days.  I don't have time for people with control issues (I have enough of my own, thank you) and I also don't tolerate ignorance.  Try to instruct me when I know you are wrong and I WILL correct you, but unfortunately my filter doesn't always work and I am not always good at sparing feelings.  I've also got a very good memory and study WAY less than any teacher would ever recommend.
     In the last 2 weeks, I have had to deal with BLS and ACLS re-certifications.  BLS is just standard CPR information that is actually more appropriate for non-medical people and ACLS is the big one that we use in the hospital to guide what we do when and what meds we give during medical emergencies.  I have been BLS certified since I was 16 and could teach the class in my sleep.  The day I took it, I worked all night and had been up for at least 24 hours.  The instructor has control issues.  (Don't get me wrong, I like her and she's dating a friend of mine, so she can't be all bad.)  She refused to teach if everyone wasn't in the room, she made us all wait for everyone to finish their tests before we could leave...  I was well behaved though.  I never said anything (OK, I did roll my eyes and leave my test on the table cause I was annoyed, my mouth filter may have worked, but I'm always gonna be a little bit of a brat) and of course I got 100%.  Seriously, easiest test ever.
     ACLS required me to waste a good portion of my Saturday.  I had to set an alarm, so NOT cool.  I protested this by stopping for breakfast and not quite making it to the class on time.  Oops.  Even better, when I walked in, my smartass friend decided to move seats to sit with me.  And it was the same instructor.  I'm sure she muttered some obscenities when she saw me.  I was better behaved this time.  This class is actually pertinent to my career.  I will use this info.  I only made fun of the video like 5 times and only left the room twice.  Really, that's good for me for a 6 hour class.  But she still chose not to take my group for testing... hee hee.
     I am aware of my bratty tendencies and I do try to keep them some what under control.  I am thinking that I am not going to change much though.  I still hold grudges, yes, I AM working on that.  I still make inappropriate jokes.  I still swear, yes J, I know I'm "better than that".   There might be a chance that someday I'll finish growing up though, but I think I'd rather go live in Never-Never Land...

The cause of and solution to all life's problems... Homer Simpson

     What is it about alcohol?  Why does it get such control over some people?  Some people give up everything important to them because of the siren call of alcohol.  And for most people that I have been around that have a problem with alcohol, they don't see it at all.  Are they in denial or do they really not see that their relationship with alcohol is causing these problems?  I've only met 1 person that's willing to say "yeah, I drink too much. So what? I like it".  Granted,  it still cost him his marriage and his kids, but he was willing to say that it's his choice.
     I have a love-hate relationship with alcohol. I love to have a drink with my friends after work to decompress. I love to share a good bottle of wine and a good meal with the guy I love.  I hate what alcohol does to some people I care about.  At least 1 of my mom's marriages, and I suspect 2, fell apart because of alcohol. 
      Is alcohol really that addictive to some people?  I know WAY too much about what alcohol does to the body. I don't even let myself go 3 days in a row with 1 drink. I know that alcohol changes the pathways in the brain, but is it that hard to get back to yourself?  Can you heal from alcohol addiction without saying "I'm an alcoholic"? Does alcohol really make someone feel good enough to make them give up everyone they love? 
     I've got lots of questions and no answers today.  That just seems to be my life lately, all questions.  I need to make some changes, and I'm not sure which ones to make.   I guess I'll get my answers eventually...  happy Friday!

Christmas present from school???

     It's the last day of school before Christmas break, and the teacher sends home a present... Open it up and it's my favorite, an at home project!  Yay!  And I get to do it over break?  Yippee!  Anyone that knows anything about me knows how I feel about these.  This one is school wide though.  That means I get to do it with all 3 girls.  Joy!
     Ok, honestly, this one doesn't seem so bad.  A book report on a cereal box.  This has the potential to be pretty cool.  I love reading and I love talking to the girls about their books.  So, I take the girls to the library to get some books.  I also knew that all 3 of them had 4 books each under the tree.  The bad thing is that the girls like to read as much as I do and they aren't exactly decisive.  Every day for 2 weeks, I asked them about the project.  The only answers I got were either "I don't know" or "I haven't finished the book I want to use yet".  Seriously guys?  Figure it out so we can get this done already.
     And now it's the Friday before the project is due.  It's now or never because they are at their dad's house for the weekend and we know that nothing good will happen while they are there.  Good news is that S has done hers already on the computer.  All she has to do is print and glue.  Even their dad can handle that.  Better news, I actually have empty cereal boxes and construction paper.  I don't have to go to the store!!!
     Books are finally chosen, and they pick out the colors for each part of the box.  And now it's time for the drama.  Every single thing they have to write or draw causes a melt down.  I'm still not quite sure why every little thing makes them cry.  I hope that they didn't get the type of perfectionist gene that I have.  The kind that if you can't do it EXACTLY the way that you want, then it'll never be good enough, but it sure seems that way.  We have so many pieces of extra construction paper because we were covering mistakes.  And yet again, my "I'm not doing this" got thrown away, but just a little.  All I did this time was write out the characters for them. 
     I'm kinda proud of myself.  And they picked pretty good books too.  S picked a book about twins that I found for her.  The chapters alternated voice, which I always think is cool and she really enjoyed.  M picked a Bad Kitty book.  And she free-handed a pretty great pic of the cat.  And best of all, A picked Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE that they are so into good books now.  Spend enough time reading to and around your kids and they might just decide that reading is fun....

Beer and eggs may not be the breakfast of champions, but it may be the dinner of the ones that save your life

     I work night shift.  That means from 7pm to 7am I am at work.  That also means that when we have a rough shift and want to decompress with a beer after work, we are drinking at 7:30am.  And yes, we go to our breakfast restaurants in our scrubs and have no shame in ordering a pitcher (or several depending on the shift and the size of our group) of beer before 8am.  Our restaurant of choice on Monday's tends to cater to the older local population and to the young tourist families.  I LOVE seeing their faces when they see us in scrubs drinking at 8am.  It is kind of amazing that people don't understand night shift.  We can't drink at 8pm with the rest of you because we are busy keeping people alive.  And when we drink at 8am, we are usually following that up by going home and going to bed.
    EVERY time we are at breakfast though, at least one person asks our server if we are on our way in to work.  Some days, people are brave enough to ask us directly.   I usually try to refrain from my typical sarcastic remark (there is only 1 hospital in town and I don't want to have to talk to HR or administration because I answered a stupid question with sarcasm and scared/pissed off a board member or something).   It's funny and sad just how ridiculous people can be.  I really blame bad TV shows for depicting nurses as desperate, doctor hunting, drug stealing, cheating alcoholics that worry more about our social lives and which physician we are going to sleep with next than actually taking care of our patients.  (Side note: I have been a nurse for 8 years and have worked at 5 hospitals and have yet to meet a doctor that I want to sleep with and have never even considered stealing a med from a patient.)
     But let me tell you how much fun we have after work.  People that work in medicine tend to have a twisted sense of humor.   Meredith Gray (Gray's anatomy) says "I'm dark and twisty."  Yeah, I think I am too.  I think we need to be just to get past some of the stuff we see.  If I can't laugh about the some of this stuff, then I think I would totally breakdown.  The people at breakfast almost always make us laugh.
     One morning, as we are giggling about something, this older couple sits down next to us.  She says to him "I didn't know they served iced tea in those pitchers".  Granted, I guess Yuengling could be mistaken for tea, but the only ice to be found was on the outside of our frosty mugs.  Of course that just made us giggle more.
     Another time, we were chatting and I was glancing at the morning news shows (they are always on mute, so I only guess what they are actually saying) and this photo of a girl pops up.  She honestly looks like she is auditioning for Playboy.  Then the feed displays the story and it is about some high school girl that is suing because the yearbook committee (made entirely of other students) vetoed that photo for the yearbook.   If you've ever watched the morning shows (like Today, or GMA) you know that they show the same promos for 30-45 min before the actual show.  So for the next half hour I kept seeing this photo flash up on my screen.  Finally, in the middle of a sentence, I yelled out "hooker".  No idea why that came out like that, but it did.  Right at that moment, a 70+ y/o guy and his 50+y/o significant other sat at the booth next to us.  He looks over, smirks and says "tell me more about those hookers".  Needless to say, the wife/gf/so didn't look so happy with us.  I won't embarrass my friend by finishing the story.  Maybe if she reads this one, she can give her permission...
     Usually, by the end of the meal, someone has said something that has us all laughing so hard we are crying.  That becomes the quote of the day, when I remember it later...  Some of my favorites "and then I told them to show me the real thing," "and you didn't buy him a prosthetic one?" "you can't hold me down, I rebel," "dude, you're not worth the dent," and pretty much anything our server buddy JB says.
     I don't know if I should, but I think I'll tell you about when we scared the poor bar back...  I can't remember exactly how the little joke goes, but it's something like: I'm a nurse, I've seen more dick that a prostitute and I don't make as much money.   We can be pretty blue with our jokes.  If you didn't know, the foam on the top of a beer is called the head.  Some people know how to fill a pitcher so that there isn't much head and some people just can't seem to get it right.  This young guy brought out our pitcher and there was way to much foam.  So of course we start in on the "big head" jokes.  I think 4 girls asking him about head was just too much for him to take.  He not only ran away from our table, he changed his shirt so as to not be recognized by us... 
     So here's to beer and eggs, laughing with friends, pitchers of tea and scarring young guys...
   

The condo is alive with the sounds of cats being beaten... oh wait, that's just us singing

     I have always found comfort in music.  I can find music that express EVERY mood of mine.  My dad was a musician and introduced me to many styles of music at a young age.  He isn't into pop music, but he, like me, listens to pretty much everything else.  I am certain that he is the reason for my love of music.  He was never trained and may or may not be able to read music, but his knowledge of good music is extensive.  He introduced me to Eric Clapton (if anyone wants to buy me Clapton tickets for my birthday, I'd be indebted to you forever), Stevie Ray Vaughn, BB King, Hank Williams, The Beatles, etc...  He even took me to see BB King when I was a kid.
     I joined the middle school band when I was in 7th grade.  I tried to get the sax because I thought my dad would like it (plus mommom LOVED Kenny G), but the band director said no.  I became a pretty darn good clarinetist.  I had some natural talent, but if you have read some of my other posts, you know I SUCK at playing Jazz.  I could sight read music great and I memorized music quickly.
     But I can't read music to sing to save my life.  Every time I sing where people can hear me, I'm waiting for the strange looks and maybe even the "can you sing a little softer?" comments.  I went to a church once and the pastor told a story about a guy that came to him complaining about the woman singing too loud and out of tune behind him and I'm still sure that it was about me...  J claims that he likes my singing, but I think that he just said that to make me feel better.  I will never sing karaoke and I whispered through our night out caroling with the church.  Trust me, I didn't want the pastor to ask me to move to the back of the group. 
     Unfortunately, I think all 3 girls inherited my lack of singing talent.  And yet they love to sing. When they walk around the house with their iPods in, they sound kinda scary. But fortunately, they do like good music for the most part.  But they aren't afraid to listen to the same song for hours on end.  The best part of that is listening to their interpretations of the lyrics.  I think that every song they like has something about a bathroom in it.  They can turn almost any word that starts with a b into bathroom.  I really didn't think that they were that into potty humor. 

     S decided this year that she wants to do chorus.  I have encouraged her, but her sisters HATE it.  She always wants to hear her current CD (the chorus teacher sends the songs for the year home on CD so they can practice) or she is listening to it on her iPod and singing aloud.  People sound SOOOO much better when you can hear the music they are singing to.   Even J sounds funny when he sings with headphones in and I like his voice.  Poor A tries hard not to hurt S's feelings, but she can only take so much of these obscure songs that S has to learn.  6 y/o aren't the best at sparing feelings.  She isn't afraid to tell S that she can't take anymore.  It is so hard not to laugh.  My only option is to hand A her iPod too so that they can drown each other out.  OK, time to get my iPod on and torture J... nighty night.

Please don't lick the dog

     Three little girls sure make life interesting.  Between the fights and drama, the games and just the complete randomness of not only the things that come out of their mouths but the things I hear myself say, it is never a dull day in my house.  The twins are 6 and the oldest is 9.  Most of the time, they act like girls.  They fight over clothes, music, books and looks. They hate each other or everyone hates them.  And then there is the things that I never expected: S begging me to take her to church with me, K and A asking for their own bibles and all 3 of them wanting to run 5k's with me.
     No one ever told me that I'd have to referee the most ridiculous fights known to man.  "She made her stuffed animal look at your stuffed animal funny?"  Seriously???  What am I supposed to say to that?  I still wonder if making fun of their crazy temper tantrums is setting them up for a lifetime of therapy or not, but if you could just see them throw their arms up, stomp to the couch and fling themselves on it with a big huff you'd be laughing too.
     Therapy or not, I am still proud that I have at least initiated a decent appreciation for good music.  They still fall under the peer pressure of bad pop music, but they don't like Justin Beiber or One Direction and they know the words to Beatles songs.  I can handle some Taylor Swift and LMFAO as long as I can break it up with some Clapton and Jack Johnson.
     I had heard before I became a mom that I'd say things that I never thought I would, but everyday it amazes me the words that come out of my mouth.  Quote of the day "just because we can't see you doesn't mean that we can't see you".  Other ones just today include: "don't hit your sister in the head with your flipflop," "please don't lick the dog," and "can you please take my underwear off your head?"  I think that I might have to start a journal just of the things I say.  Got any funny quotes of your own to share?
    

Wow, that girl's batcrap crazy... wait, that's me? Uh oh

     I haven't had many out of body experiences, but the one I recently had seems like it might be worth sharing. I've said a lot recently about how stressful life is. I don't think that there is any aspect of my life that doesn't cause some sort of stress. And apparently the thing that brought the crazy out was the van breaking down. 
      My job can be very unreliable. I can't always get all my shifts because of the nature of the unit I work in. I love what I do, but as a single mom the unreliability is very hard on the old savings account.  When the savings account gets low, thats always when SOMETHING happens.
      My something happens to be the van falling apart.  Driving back from Orlando,  fortunately with the boy in the seat next to me, the van suddenly wouldn't accelerate.  I get frustrated and punch the steering wheel a couple times and say some words I shouldn't repeat. Luckily, the boy yells at me to pull it together and I kinda calm down.
      Two days later, rental car is picked up and the van is in the shop. I'm a giant bundle of nerves. Every inch of my body is tense and ready to snap.  My brilliant self decides that I should have some wine. And not just a glass, I drank the entire bottle. Oh, and I didn't have dinner. Like I said, brilliant.
      I honestly don't know what all I did to make myself look like a complete fool, but I know that I yelled and I cried and I threw things.   I also know that the entire time I was doing all this, that it was crazy. But I was not in control. That crazy lady had control.  And boy, that lady was batcrap crazy.  Crying, fully dressed in the bathtub crazy...
      Have you ever had the crazy lady take control?  How did you make her go away?  I finally put myself in bed and woke up sane. And fortunately,  still in a relationship. He must really love me if the crazy lady didn't scare him away...

Sorry about this rant, but it needs to be said

     I'm not a nurse because I'm not smart enough to go to med school. I'm not a nurse because I wanted an easy job. I'm not a nurse because I couldn't find something else to do with my life.  I'm a nurse because I love taking care of patients. I love almost every aspect of my job.  I love the fact that I can save your life. I know I can't do it alone,  but I know what to do and what needs to be done in many critical situations.
      Nurses take crap from everyone (and I'm not just talking code brown).  Nurses are disrespected by their patients,  patient's families, hospital administration, other nurses and worst of all, doctors.
     I promise that I didn't call you at 3am because I thought it'd be nice to talk to you. I called you because something is going on with our patient and you need to know and to give me orders to fix it.  You went to medical school, you wanted to be the doctor, you get paid to take my call in the middle of the night. Oh, you are sleeping?  I'm sorry. I'm at the hospital actually keeping the patient alive.
      I work in a very stressful unit. My patients are all in critical condition and I've had to go with them into the OR many times to save their lives. I work with an amazing surgeon. He is highly talented and has great outcomes even on his very sick patients. We all respect him.  I've rarely heard our nurses talk bad about him. But he has crossed the line of acceptable behavior. He has begun to talk to us like we are idiots. He is rude and condescending to me in front of my coworkers.  I accept a lot of crap because I love my job, but I'm thisclose to quitting my job because of him. It's crazy.
     In the last year, we have lost our float pay and our call back pay, we have spent many weeks only getting part time hours (and we don't get paid if we aren't there), they have made it much harder to get raises or bonuses and have remodeled out unit and removed our break room and 50% of our space. We have stayed loyal. But this is pushing me to my breaking point. I'm not cocky or conceited,  but I'm a good nurse with many years taking care of critically ill people. And the way he talked to me today,  Christmas day, made me want to quit my job. 
     Please, if you get nothing out of my rant, please treat your nurses nice. We are here to help you or your family heal. If we are late with something,  it's not cause we didn't think it was important. It just might mean that something or someone else pulled us in a different direction and that may have had a higher priority. I've gone 13 hours without food, water or a bathroom break because I'm taking care of someone that can't take care of himself.  Gifts,  flowers, food aren't necessary in respecting your nurse, but a please, thank you and a smile or joke always makes my day go a little easier.

Life is good and bad but at least i don't have her attitude...

     Life is good.  No, seriously, life is good.  For once, there is no sarcasm.  Yes, I'm still stressed out.  Yes, I don't have all the answers to my questions.  And, no, the puzzle pieces aren't suddenly deciding to fall into place.  But LIFE IS GOOD. 
     I have a job that I love.  No, it isn't perfect.  I don't always get to work and I am too stressed about things out of my control.  But I have a job and I do really love it.
     I have 3 beautiful girls.  They are sweet, smart, well behaved, caring little girls.  Granted, custody is always an issue and I'll have to deal with their dad for the rest of their lives.  But they are still mine and they are safe, happy and healthy.
     I have an awesome guy.  He cares about me and the girls and he is willing to do anything for us.  He is amazing, handsome and does the little things to make me smile.  Yes, we have had our share of issues, but we love each other and we have a great relationship that was made stronger by fighting through the issues together.  And he's the type of guy that won't let me give up.  He fights for us and reminds me that things are worth fighting for.
     I have a house, a car and a dog.  I have friends that would do anything for me and vise versa.  I have a church family that is growing every day.  I live in a state where I can go hiking in December and complain about the heat. I am healthy, strong and intelligent.  And I didn't cave and buy an elf!  Life is good.

     I watch the people I love struggle all the time.  People out of work, people battling addictions and other demons, people that have children or family members that are sick and dying, people who have lost faith in everything.  I have never told any one to look at the positives in their life.  Honestly, any time that anyone has told me that, I have wanted to slap them.  But I will admit to looking at all the bad that is going on and reminding myself that life is good.   
   There are so many people that look for drama and try to find something to complain about.  (Yes, I do that too sometimes, but I am aware of it now and really try hard not to do that any more.)   I honestly wonder if they could ever be happy.  If you want to see things as terrible, if you want to believe that the world is out to get you, can you ever find happiness?  I want to tell one of my friends that for every horrible, awful thing that you see as part of your life,  take a look around at all the situations that surround you and see if they really are that horrible.  Maybe after a few days she'll change her mind and decide that the world is not out to get her.  But maybe she will never see things as good.  But at least I can still use her to remind myself that life is good.  And if one day everything does decide to fall apart around me, at least I don't have that crappy attitude.

     Friday, something unbelievably horrible happened.  Something that has happened all too often lately.  I am still struggling not to cry when I think about it.  But it feels as though some people are already blowing it off.  Turning it into a political battle about gun control and other issues.  I honestly wonder if the sheer number of tragedies have numbed some people.  Maybe the more that occur, the more commonplace it becomes for them and the less it hurts?  The more it gives them a reason to think that they have answers to it all?  I want to distance myself from my facebook account more the last few days than I did over the election.  Arguing with your friends or friends of your friends isn't going to fix the problem.  Legalizing or banning guns isn't going to fix it.  There has to be a way to find a root of the problem.  Is it a mental health issue?  Is it a numbness to violence that we have created?  Is it the total lack of religious beliefs? Is it this parenting style that seems so prevalent, where people don't discipline their kids and the kids want for nothing?  Is it a cry for attention?  Let me kill people because that's the only way I'll be known for anything?  I want my children to be well balanced functioning adults when they reach that age.  But more importantly, I want them to reach that age.  It's a scary time in our world and I hope some way, some how we can come together and find a solution.

   Sorry if this seems disjointed, but if you know me, you know that my thoughts can be disjointed at times and these all seemed to link together in my head...

Jingle Bell Run causes nightmares...

     It is the eve of my first 5K with 3 little girls.  I'm scared to death.  Not cause of the 3 miles, that I'm ok with.  It's the 3.1 miles with 3 little girls.  In our training, they have actually ran farther than that.  But they haven't done it knowing just how far they are running.
     I love my little girls.  Let me just say that in case anything else I write tonight makes you think otherwise.  They are sweet, funny, silly, beautiful, amazing little creatures that I am still not quite sure that God didn't mix it up somehow and give me someone else's kids.  But they are DRAMA queens.  Look at them funny and you can make them cry.  They have the feet stomping, nasty glare, teenage attitude down and they are 6, 6 and 9.
     S whined so much for the 1st minute of one run that I told her to just go home.  K makes this noise somewhere between and moan, whine, cry and grunt that is worse than nails on a chalkboard and she can do it for 20 minutes without stopping.   And poor A...  That kid falls down almost every run.  She definitely has her mother's grace.  I finally decided that maybe running with their iPods wouldn't be a bad thing.  A's fell out 2 minutes in and she cried for the following 5 minutes.
     So this race...  They are planning on 3000 runners for the 5K.  We are doing about an 11 min mile (they can actually run a sub 10 min mile but I'm saying 11 for the race).  That's about 35 minutes of dodging race traffic, trying to not lose anyone, dealing with people that can't run faster than them but can't handle being passed by 6 y/o's, attempting to run a decent pace, trying not to lose anyone (yes, I know it's already on the list),  and really truly hoping that there are no meltdowns in public.  Not by them, mind you.  I know they are going to cry about something.  By me.  I can't always handle all the drama and some times I snap.  But tomorrow night I won't be able to send anyone home and I won't be giving them their iPods (can't risk losing them on the course).  Oh, and 3.1 miles of jingle bells is bound to get on anyone's nerves, it's not just me, RIGHT???
     In all honesty, they are doing great with the whole running thing.  I kind of pushed them into it.  They needed an activity and no one was motivated to do anything and I wasn't paying hundreds of dollars for them to want to quit 2 weeks in or for their father to not take them.  I convinced them that running club would be fun.  "We can all go together," I said,  "we can find some fun runs that we can do.   You guys can run my big beach race with me."  They've trained regularly this entire 8 weeks.  They wouldn't run 5 straight minutes when we started and they can now do 20+ minutes without complaining or walking.
    Why can't I sleep then???  I am a crazy perfectionist.  I want tomorrow to be awesome and I think that my fears that it won't be are keeping me up.  I'm worried about finding the place, parking, finding the team, not losing anyone, and that they will actually like this.  I have enjoyed running club so much and I really hope that after tomorrows race, I will have 3 long term training partners... Fingers crossed.  See you at the finish line!

Are you up for a challenge?

     Look, I get it, life is stressful. I'm a mom. That's constant stress.  I'm a nurse in a unit that only has critical patients. That's stressful. But I really think that there out to be more fun in a day.  I'd give up an hour of sleep if I could trade that for nothing but fun.

     So, what's fun for me???

• Anything with my friends or J.  I love being around people.  I may be incredibly shy (no, really) but once I know you, you will see my crazy side.
• Taking the boy (aka the dog, moose) to play.  Jacksonville has a wonderful doggie country club type dog park.
• Going to the beach.  Doesn't matter the weather or if I'm alone or with people.  The ocean calms me, always.
• Theme Parks with the girls.  Yes, I am insane, but watching the girls faces light up at the parks is amazing.  Tell me that face doesn't make you smile even a little...
• A good meal with people I love.  I love to find new restaurants and to have a night out.  I love to try new recipes too.
• Dancing to music I like, out with people or even alone in the living room.  Playing on the wii or just random nonsense in the kitchen.
• Live music.  I once got to see BB King live.  Was amazing.
• Bathtub, glass of wine, good book.
• Couch, movie, head on J's chest.

     There are 100's more, but those are the biggest.  I spend way too much time in my head worrying about all the what-if's.  I need to find a way to stop that and spend time having fun.  Honestly, is it a big deal if the girls' room ALWAYS looks like a hurricane hit it?  Does worrying about anything actually change it or does it just waste time?  Is there a way to break the bad habits and make time for more fun???
   My challenge to myself is to try to let all those minor things go and make fun a priority.  Show the girls more of what's important in life.  I am good at teaching them healthy habits, the importance of manners, why we exercise, and that too much electronic time is bad, BUT maybe I need to teach them that getting rid of stress is a good thing too.  Make time after running club to take the boy to the dog park (not the country club, we only have 4 cheap visits left and I'm not paying $300+ for a dog park membership).  Go have  a picnic on the beach after homework is done.  Wander downtown St Auggie and enjoy the lights.  Find a new recipe every week and have fun cooking together.  Just be silly.
     What should your challenge be?  What helps you de-stress?

NFL ortho surgeon/sideline reporter/novelist???

     Let me share a secret with you.  I have always had a secret dream of being a writer.  I really want to be able to sit down and write a smart, funny novel for women.  Truth be told, I am terrified to even start.  The only reason I can write on here is cause I have only given this website to 2 of you that I trust to tell me if it sucks.  Anyone else reading this must have just found it somehow.
     I LOVE to read.  I can read sit and enjoy reading just about anything.  Nonfiction, chick-lit, mysteries, anything, really... I think that is part of the reason that I want to write.  I have never told anyone that I want to write though.  I am a perfectionist.  I judge any and everything I do very harshly.  I have started writing at least 5 times and have deleted every word.
    There's this blog that I read.  The first blog that I have ever followed.  I only found her because she is my boyfriend's cousin's new bride.  Follow that?  Good.  She is an amazing writer.  I have laughed out loud every time that I have read her blog.  Reading her blog gave me inspiration to start writing this one.  Not that I think that I could do it better than her, not even a little.  Just that if I can enjoy reading hers, maybe, just maybe I can start my own and people will like it.
     Writing this gives me a release that I never thought I needed.  I feel better writing. I'm still scared to show anyone and I think that I'd ve very self-conscious if anyone else knew that I was writing,  but who knows... maybe, just maybe, it'll help me start that dream novel.

This is the day of Court, so suck it... Or maybe not

Why is it that some people constantly make you feel used? Sometimes, I think that it's just me and sometimes I wonder if it has to be something more. Do we let people use us, or is it that we feel used because we are willing to do so much?
I have a friend that believes the entire world revolves around her. Everything good that happens is because of something she has done and everything bad means that someone is trying to screw her over. There are days like today when I wonder how much of that is in me. Do I just not see that I am acting selfish? Is asking this favor selfish? Is writing this blog and hoping someone reads it selfish?
We expect a certain degree of selfishness from children. All they know, and up until a certain age all they should know, is that they are the center of their parents world. I truly believe that that is how it should be. My children should know that they come first in my life. BUT, and a big butt it is too (if you know me you know I'm not lacking in the behind area and I like to joke on that kinda often), my children should also know that I have a life outside of them. They can be first, but I'm a very close second. If my children don't see me ever putting myself first, I think that I am doing them a disservice. They need to know that there are other people in the world and sometimes they aren't going to get the attention that they want. Yes, we can do A and B, but nope, we aren't doing C because I would rather do D.
But man, I am feeling super selfish tonight. I don't know if it's the holidays, the fact that work is insane, dealing with the ex, or just that fact that I'm sick of doing favors for others that seem to be expected and not appreciated, but I want it to be about me today. I want to get off work early. I want to sleep until I feel like waking up. I want to get the kids and make them help me finish cleaning the house. And then I want them to go to bed so I can watch a crappy movie and drink some wine. I want the world to revolve around me and for me to just take what I want. Screw it, if I make someone feel used. It's my day.
Yeah well, fortunately or unfortunately, that's just not me. Maybe tomorrow...?

Tuberculousis has hit my house....

        Either that or my kids still have reactive airways and any kind of sinus drainage or any virus that goes around makes them cough.  But seriously, if you walked into my house right now, you'd prolly run away and bath in Purell.   The joy of attempting to co-parent with an ex means that my many years of medical experience, plus the advice of their doctors means nothing.  I was told that I HAVE to go get another opinion.  Oh, really???  I'm thinking that you don't have that power.  I know what is going on, and I know that the doctors know what is going on. Please go away now.
       This cough though... When they are in bed, you would think that they are going to cough a piece of their lungs right out.  The way I know that they aren't actually feeling bad:  they continue to do the daily runs (we are part of the elementary school running club and are currently training for a 5K, story to follow later), they play and laugh and run around like wild animals, but any time they have to do something the don't like they start coughing.
         My big problem with their coughing is that 99% of the time, they aren't 'sick', they aren't contagious and yet I get 3-5 phone calls a week from the school nurse.  I think she's knowledgeable.  I think that she is just trying to follow protocol.  BUT seriously lady, unless my kid is actually sick and needs to leave school, quit interrupting my sleep.  I work nights.  I sleep while the girls are at school.  If they are sick and need to come home, I have no problem bringing them home.  BUT don't call me cause they are coughing.  Let them have cough drops without a note from the  doctor because it'll cost me $40/kid to see the doctor to get the stupid note and they AREN'T SICK.
        This last week was the worst.  The teacher not only told my child that she got her sick, but sent her to the nurse because she was being a nuisance.  The nurse called me and told me to take her to the doctor.  Hey, guess what lady?  I did that last week and SHE'S NOT SICK.  I was on the way to my yearly check up that takes me 2 months in advance to schedule.  I told them that no, I'm not coming right now.  She only wants to come home because you made her feel bad (as in guilty, not sick).  I'll be there when I get there.  And of course, I get her home and she's fine.  She's running around like a crazy person and playing.
        Don't get me wrong, I understand the need for keeping sick people home, not only to heal, but to not spread the wealth.  But please don't tell me what to do with my own children.  If my child is actually sick, she stays home.  If she's not, she needs to be at school.  I am trying hard to teach my children the importance of going to school and being responsible.  Please don't undermine me.  Maybe I should start sending them out in surgical masks...
           

So there's a boy....

     I met this boy in 1997.  I was a wee freshman in college and he was a junior.  He was only going to be in Florida for a year.  That did not stop me from developing a ginormous crush.  We were both in jazz band.  I was a jazz rookie.  I was always great in band, but I was so out of my league when it came to jazz.  You have to improvise...?  What?  I have to make it up?  I don't have a clue how to do this.  AND I'm sharing music with this really cute guy that is AMAZING at jazz????   You don't know me yet, but I am a perfectionist.  If I'm not great, I don't even want to try. (Well, this is the exception, but I'm trying.)   I was so intimidated.  I was trying to write my improv so that I knew that it would sound good so I could impress him.  Not sure what worked, but he called me...
    J: "Hey kid, whatcha doing?'
    My thoughts "wait, he's calling me, what?  I don't know what to say.  SOMEONE HELP ME"
    Despite my complete awkwardness, we dated.  Well, if you can really call it dating.  We were at a tiny college in the smallest town I've ever been in and there weren't a lot of places to go out.  I never thought he was serious.  I honestly thought he was playing me.  He was being a 20 y/o boy, calling occasionally, just seeing if I want to hang out.  I was being a naive 18 y/o thinking that if he didn't call every day then he must not like me very much.  So I started dating someone else and he moved away.
     That brings us to 2011.  I was in the process of getting divorced and I changed my name on Facebook to reflect that.  The NEXT day I get a friend request.  WOW, it's my crush.  I was dumbfounded.  To this day, I can't believe that he even remembered me, never mind the fact that he was looking me up.  It took about a week, but there we were talking on the phone and texting back and forth.  ALL DAY LONG.  No, seriously, I prolly averaged about 3-4 hours of sleep because we were too busy texting to sleep.  May finally rolls around and he makes it down to visit. 
     And that was that... It's now 18 months later and we are hooked.  Yes, we fight like cats and dogs.  Throw 2 hardheaded Italians in a room and that's going to happen sometimes.  He doesn't actually fight, he just sits and watches ESPN while I stand in front of him and yell.  Doesn't mean he doesn't fight or try to push my buttons, he is just not a yeller like me.  He's screwed up (a bunch, if I am honest) and so have I (prolly a bunch if he's honest).  And yet we just work.  If I listened to my friends, we would have never even gotten off the ground.  Some wanted me to not give him a chance after he had to change plans at the last minute.  Some thought he was an ass.  Others just wanted me to date someone else.  But I have to admit, good times or bad, ups or downs, yelling or hugging, this is the most honest, real relationship I have ever been in.  We have issues, but we both understand that life isn't ever going to be perfect.  We make our perfection in the imperfections.  Nicholas Sparks is much better with words that I am, so I'll use his words:  "There was something about him that spoke only to her, a connection that she had missed in the years they'd been apart.  And she knew on some level that she had been waiting for him, just as he'd been waiting for her."
       Maybe someday, he'll tell me why he looked me up.  Maybe someday we will actually live in the same state.  Maybe someday people will understand that we make each other happy, even when we are making each other crazy.  Maybe someday people will realize that I'm not blind, I see the faults, I just see the good as well.  Maybe someday....