Entitlement

     Why is it that some people feel as though the world owes them?  They don't think they should work. They don't think they should pay their bills. They think that everything should be handed to them.
     I saw an event last week on fb trying to save some guy from jail. Turns out he hasn't bothered to pay his child support at all.  I don't know the situation, but I have no desire to support some guy that thinks its ok not to take care of his child. I don't care how much you hate your ex, if you have a child then you need to take care of your responsibilities.
     I see people complaining about people on unemployment and food stamps. Some people actually need the help to get by. The problems come in when people think that they are owed a new flat screen, an iPad and unlimited cell service as well. I have no problem helping people when times are tough, but if you are getting help, then be grateful and try to help yourself.  You can't tell me that you can't afford food when you are paying $100/month for a cell phone and another $100 for cable tv and internet. 
     I'm feeling over stressed lately. I started writing to try to make people laugh and I can see my stress coming out by the thoughts that get written.  Hopefully when the dust settles and I'm through all the changes coming then the funny will come back...
Happy Hump Day!

Bah Humbug... well, not entirely

     So I told people this week that I don't believe in Valentine's Day.  The horror that crossed their faces was priceless.  I have nothing against a good dinner, flowers, candy or jewelry.  I just don't think that anyone should feel forced to do that in the name of love because it's Feb 14.  If J goes to the grocery store one night and comes home with some $10 flowers that means 100 times more to me than if he dropped $100 on roses because I'll get mad if he doesn't.  I think that it is very important to show your person that you love them, but every day, not just Feb 14.  Gestures don't have to be grand.  J shows me that he loves me by taking the girls to school so I can get to sleep earlier or by having my  fake coffee ready when I get up.  I am supposed to stay off the caffeine and so he has to make mine special.
     It's funny though to try to not show the girls that I am a "scrooge" about Valentine's when it is still so fun to them.  They love the cards and the candy and picking out which ones they are going to give to which kid in their classes.  I have a few years left before I have to explain my views on it to them.  Hopefully before some boy breaks a heart because he didn't get her something.
     The funny thing is though, this was probably the best Valentine's day I have had in a while.  J picked the girls up from school and let me sleep till 4pm (I didn't get home until 9:30 that morning).  He cooked me breakfast/dinner when I got up.  He fed the girls.  He sent me a sweet E-card and we hung out and together and listened to music.  I actually sent him a card that I made on my cool little Ink app, but I sent it to his folk's house because I though he was going to be there.  So hopefully his mom enjoys the card.  It is a pic of us from the VT football game, so maybe....
     Love is important to me.  I try to show my friends, family and J just how much they mean to me every chance I get.  I want to feel loved, but I don't want any one's feelings hurt because someone said that if you don't get A, B & C on Feb 14 then you aren't loved.  My friend's are the awesomest people I know.  That's why they are my friends.  That and because they'll put up with me...  Happy Feb 17th all.  If  you are reading this, you are awesome.

A day in the life...

     I always wonder if the amount of things I do in a day are normal, or if I really am crazy to continue to try to keep going at the rate I'm going...

7:15am- get off work,
7:20-8am- ride home with a co-worker because the *#&%#*& van is over heating (I just fixed the van a month ago or I wouldn't be calling it names), take the dog out, feed him, wake J up and find out if he is taking the van in, find something to eat, attempt to go to sleep.
8am- start watching Modern Family on Hulu cause I'm not even the slightest bit tired.  Bad idea, I LOVE Modern Family.  Prolly the only show I am always caught up on.  Anything that makes me laugh out loud stays at the top of my list.  Like Kate's awesome blog (www.thenestedblog.com)  No matter how many times J says I'm stalking her, I'm gonna keep reading cause she always makes me laugh.
8:25- grab a beer and start watching less entertaining show, cause I'm still wide awake.
9:15- Think I dozed off cause J's text seems to wake me up.  Van is not good.  Will not be done today. 
9:18- Start calling the ex to see if he can get the girls.  Nothing is ever a quick conversation with him.
11:40- Text received- "I'm 99.9% sure they are going to offer you the job.  Get your resignation letter ready!! And your backup babysitters."  Couldn't turn the ringer off cause of the girls and the van.  I've been waiting on pins and needles to hear about the interview I went to on Friday and now I'm SUPER excited and can't sleep. 
11:55- Give up on the bed and go tell J the news.  Realist that he is, talks me back down and says that it's not 100% and that I shouldn't let my hopes get too high.  Sounds meaner than it is, but he knows that I REALLY want this and that I'd be crushed if I don't get it.
12:10 Back to bed.  Please, please, please let me sleep....
12:20- Call from mechanic.  Van will be ready.  Text the ex to see what the plan is.
12:30- Text again.  Gotta love being ignored.
1240- Text again.  Yes, I am going to keep it up...
12:45- Call because obviously he isn't going to respond.  Change plans again.  Gotta pick the bugs up from school.  Call school.  Try again to sleep.
1:30- So much for sleep today.  Off to get my van and my girls. 
2:40- Too early for school pick up, so pit stop at Publix it is.  At least I can hit the store without all the girls.
3:30- Call from Nursing Recruiter with a job offer!!!!!!!!!!!  Only bad thing is trying to ask all my questions in a car full of kids plus J.  Maybe he remembers the conversation...
3:45- Finally home.  Finishing the phone call and trying to get the dog walked again.  And it's time to clean out the van because J and I decided that we should get rid of one of the seats in the van and I think I found Jim Henson's inspiration for the TrashHeap.  The amount of stuff under this seat was seriously scary.  Good news- the girls get to clean it.  Bad news- the need LOTS of supervision to accomplish any cleaning task.  But at least I'm not actually cleaning that mess up.
4:30- Off to the pool with the kiddos.  OK, I'm stretching the truth a little here.  J took them so I could get showered for work in peace.
5:00- Everyone home and I'm dressed for work.  Now it's time for homework!  Yippee.  I hope you can detect the sarcasm.  At least Sky doesn't usually need help.
5:30- still working on homework, trying to pack my work lunch and work bag, trying to find something to eat before work cause I don't remember actually eating anything up until this point.
6:00 2/3 done with their homework and now it's time to get the laundry put away.  (Yes, I'm adding to the giant pile of needs to be folded/hung up pile that I have been growing for 2 weeks.  I swear I'll put them away tomorrow.)
6:15- Finally out the door to work.  Maybe the day will calm down once I'm at the hospital... Maybe...  OK, please?????

     Sorry for the not so exciting post, but does anyone else have days like this 95% of the time?  No wonder I am asleep on the couch at 9pm on my days off. 
     And if you just started skimming (and I really don't blame you if you did) and missed it,  I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!  I definitely want the job.  Now comes all the fear and self doubt.  Am I doing the right thing by switching?  Will this help my situation?  Will I be upset that I no longer have 4 days off a week?  I know I won't miss working all night.  My body is constantly tired.  Gotta give notice to my boss and tell my coworkers tomorrow... scary.

My religious ponderings...

     I am a Christian.  I go to church almost every Sunday.  I go to Sunday school.  I try to stay involved in my church.  I do bible readings at home.  I try to act like a Christian in public (I do fail at times, but I'm trying).  So why is it that I am afraid embarrassed shy about sharing my beliefs with others?  Is it because I don't want to come across as someone that pushes my beliefs on others?  Is it that I'm not ready for the conversations that it could entail?  Or is it that I am afraid of being judged?
     I always have wondered about the "imaginary audience" and how it changes my behavior.  I will be the 1st to admit that I am painfully shy and that I have somewhat low self-esteem.  I honestly try to fix it, but at this point I don't know how much better it can get.  I wonder if part of my reluctance to share verses that touch me is because I'm afraid of being judged by this imaginary audience or if it is just that I don't want any one to feel that I am pushing my beliefs upon them.
     Growing up, everyone seemed to go to church.  When my parents divorced, I stopped going to Catholic school, and my dad and I stopped going to church.  We seemed to be the minority.  Eventually, I started reaching out to religion on my own.  I tried multiple churches until I found one that I was comfortable with and stayed there.  I missed many of the rights of passage that a Catholic child should have gone through, but somehow I still ended up at a Catholic college.  I went through some tough times, pulled away from the church and married a complete non-believer.  That marriage ended for many reasons (that I will never go into here) and I found myself drawn back to church.  I found my church home in the local Presbyterian church and I feel as if I am becoming part of the church family.
     These days, I still feel as if I am in the minority.  This time, though, it is for going to church.  Has my generation pulled away from church, or is that just my perception?  From what I see around me, and please feel free to correct me if I am wrong, so many people in my generation think that our parents screwed up big time and therefor are doing the exact opposite of what their parents did.  In some families, the children have more power that the adults.  And going to church is a big no-no.  I see so many aspects of today's society that I find appalling and I wonder how much of it is caused by this anti-church trend.
     I wonder often how many of our nation's problems would be solved if we went back to the beliefs of our parents and grandparents.  I HATE what has become acceptable in our culture.  I HATE the language, dress, behavior and promiscuity of the generations after mine.  I hate that people comment on my children's manners because it means that so many people are completely lacking in manners.  Please, thank you, yes sir, and yes ma'am should be the norm, not the exception.
     I know that I am the "mean mom".  I don't think that my children get to make the rules.  I don't think that poor behavior is acceptable.  My children must use manners or they will hear about it and there will be consequences.  We go to church, we treat people with respect, we limit electronic time, we go outside and play.  I don't claim that I am doing it right, but I really don't think that my parents screwed up my values and I hope that I am raising my girls to have some values.
     But I still don't know why I have such a hard time sharing my beliefs.  Is it a generational thing?  Am I still trying to be a "cool kid"?  Is it my shy nature?  Hopefully as I continue to get more involved in the church and the more I try to instill the Christian values into my girls, the less fear I will have.  Happy Monday...

Fingers and toes crossed and saying a few prayers and hoping...

     This will be a short post, but I have to share with someone or I'll go crazy....  I've applied for a job and I think I actually have a good chance at getting it. I should have a good recommendation from the nurse that I talked to and she knows people that know me and my skill level. Application is submitted and phone calls were made, now it is out of my hands.
     That makes me SOOOOOO nervous.  I'm also so very nervous about change. I'm going to have to go back to working 5 days a week. I'm going to have to give up a lot of my time in the girls' classrooms and my free days with them.  I'm also not going to have to work all night any more.  I hope that the girls will understand the loss of time with them during the day for the free nights and weekends.

     I don't know how long it will take until the waiting drives me absolutely crazy.  I don't keep secrets well and I really don't want everyone that I work with to know that I might be leaving.  I know they know that I am maxed out, but I don't want questions until I actually get a job offer.  I'm also trying so very hard not to get my hopes up.  I tend to get my hopes up way too high and then when it falls through I tend to be crushed.  So my goal for the next 2 weeks is to stay calm and not to get my hopes too high...  Fingers crossed.

I refuse to ever teach her AGAIN....

     I think that I must be one of the world's worst students.  I tend to be a smartass and too smart for my own good some days.  I don't have time for people with control issues (I have enough of my own, thank you) and I also don't tolerate ignorance.  Try to instruct me when I know you are wrong and I WILL correct you, but unfortunately my filter doesn't always work and I am not always good at sparing feelings.  I've also got a very good memory and study WAY less than any teacher would ever recommend.
     In the last 2 weeks, I have had to deal with BLS and ACLS re-certifications.  BLS is just standard CPR information that is actually more appropriate for non-medical people and ACLS is the big one that we use in the hospital to guide what we do when and what meds we give during medical emergencies.  I have been BLS certified since I was 16 and could teach the class in my sleep.  The day I took it, I worked all night and had been up for at least 24 hours.  The instructor has control issues.  (Don't get me wrong, I like her and she's dating a friend of mine, so she can't be all bad.)  She refused to teach if everyone wasn't in the room, she made us all wait for everyone to finish their tests before we could leave...  I was well behaved though.  I never said anything (OK, I did roll my eyes and leave my test on the table cause I was annoyed, my mouth filter may have worked, but I'm always gonna be a little bit of a brat) and of course I got 100%.  Seriously, easiest test ever.
     ACLS required me to waste a good portion of my Saturday.  I had to set an alarm, so NOT cool.  I protested this by stopping for breakfast and not quite making it to the class on time.  Oops.  Even better, when I walked in, my smartass friend decided to move seats to sit with me.  And it was the same instructor.  I'm sure she muttered some obscenities when she saw me.  I was better behaved this time.  This class is actually pertinent to my career.  I will use this info.  I only made fun of the video like 5 times and only left the room twice.  Really, that's good for me for a 6 hour class.  But she still chose not to take my group for testing... hee hee.
     I am aware of my bratty tendencies and I do try to keep them some what under control.  I am thinking that I am not going to change much though.  I still hold grudges, yes, I AM working on that.  I still make inappropriate jokes.  I still swear, yes J, I know I'm "better than that".   There might be a chance that someday I'll finish growing up though, but I think I'd rather go live in Never-Never Land...

The cause of and solution to all life's problems... Homer Simpson

     What is it about alcohol?  Why does it get such control over some people?  Some people give up everything important to them because of the siren call of alcohol.  And for most people that I have been around that have a problem with alcohol, they don't see it at all.  Are they in denial or do they really not see that their relationship with alcohol is causing these problems?  I've only met 1 person that's willing to say "yeah, I drink too much. So what? I like it".  Granted,  it still cost him his marriage and his kids, but he was willing to say that it's his choice.
     I have a love-hate relationship with alcohol. I love to have a drink with my friends after work to decompress. I love to share a good bottle of wine and a good meal with the guy I love.  I hate what alcohol does to some people I care about.  At least 1 of my mom's marriages, and I suspect 2, fell apart because of alcohol. 
      Is alcohol really that addictive to some people?  I know WAY too much about what alcohol does to the body. I don't even let myself go 3 days in a row with 1 drink. I know that alcohol changes the pathways in the brain, but is it that hard to get back to yourself?  Can you heal from alcohol addiction without saying "I'm an alcoholic"? Does alcohol really make someone feel good enough to make them give up everyone they love? 
     I've got lots of questions and no answers today.  That just seems to be my life lately, all questions.  I need to make some changes, and I'm not sure which ones to make.   I guess I'll get my answers eventually...  happy Friday!