My religious ponderings...

     I am a Christian.  I go to church almost every Sunday.  I go to Sunday school.  I try to stay involved in my church.  I do bible readings at home.  I try to act like a Christian in public (I do fail at times, but I'm trying).  So why is it that I am afraid embarrassed shy about sharing my beliefs with others?  Is it because I don't want to come across as someone that pushes my beliefs on others?  Is it that I'm not ready for the conversations that it could entail?  Or is it that I am afraid of being judged?
     I always have wondered about the "imaginary audience" and how it changes my behavior.  I will be the 1st to admit that I am painfully shy and that I have somewhat low self-esteem.  I honestly try to fix it, but at this point I don't know how much better it can get.  I wonder if part of my reluctance to share verses that touch me is because I'm afraid of being judged by this imaginary audience or if it is just that I don't want any one to feel that I am pushing my beliefs upon them.
     Growing up, everyone seemed to go to church.  When my parents divorced, I stopped going to Catholic school, and my dad and I stopped going to church.  We seemed to be the minority.  Eventually, I started reaching out to religion on my own.  I tried multiple churches until I found one that I was comfortable with and stayed there.  I missed many of the rights of passage that a Catholic child should have gone through, but somehow I still ended up at a Catholic college.  I went through some tough times, pulled away from the church and married a complete non-believer.  That marriage ended for many reasons (that I will never go into here) and I found myself drawn back to church.  I found my church home in the local Presbyterian church and I feel as if I am becoming part of the church family.
     These days, I still feel as if I am in the minority.  This time, though, it is for going to church.  Has my generation pulled away from church, or is that just my perception?  From what I see around me, and please feel free to correct me if I am wrong, so many people in my generation think that our parents screwed up big time and therefor are doing the exact opposite of what their parents did.  In some families, the children have more power that the adults.  And going to church is a big no-no.  I see so many aspects of today's society that I find appalling and I wonder how much of it is caused by this anti-church trend.
     I wonder often how many of our nation's problems would be solved if we went back to the beliefs of our parents and grandparents.  I HATE what has become acceptable in our culture.  I HATE the language, dress, behavior and promiscuity of the generations after mine.  I hate that people comment on my children's manners because it means that so many people are completely lacking in manners.  Please, thank you, yes sir, and yes ma'am should be the norm, not the exception.
     I know that I am the "mean mom".  I don't think that my children get to make the rules.  I don't think that poor behavior is acceptable.  My children must use manners or they will hear about it and there will be consequences.  We go to church, we treat people with respect, we limit electronic time, we go outside and play.  I don't claim that I am doing it right, but I really don't think that my parents screwed up my values and I hope that I am raising my girls to have some values.
     But I still don't know why I have such a hard time sharing my beliefs.  Is it a generational thing?  Am I still trying to be a "cool kid"?  Is it my shy nature?  Hopefully as I continue to get more involved in the church and the more I try to instill the Christian values into my girls, the less fear I will have.  Happy Monday...

Fingers and toes crossed and saying a few prayers and hoping...

     This will be a short post, but I have to share with someone or I'll go crazy....  I've applied for a job and I think I actually have a good chance at getting it. I should have a good recommendation from the nurse that I talked to and she knows people that know me and my skill level. Application is submitted and phone calls were made, now it is out of my hands.
     That makes me SOOOOOO nervous.  I'm also so very nervous about change. I'm going to have to go back to working 5 days a week. I'm going to have to give up a lot of my time in the girls' classrooms and my free days with them.  I'm also not going to have to work all night any more.  I hope that the girls will understand the loss of time with them during the day for the free nights and weekends.

     I don't know how long it will take until the waiting drives me absolutely crazy.  I don't keep secrets well and I really don't want everyone that I work with to know that I might be leaving.  I know they know that I am maxed out, but I don't want questions until I actually get a job offer.  I'm also trying so very hard not to get my hopes up.  I tend to get my hopes up way too high and then when it falls through I tend to be crushed.  So my goal for the next 2 weeks is to stay calm and not to get my hopes too high...  Fingers crossed.

I refuse to ever teach her AGAIN....

     I think that I must be one of the world's worst students.  I tend to be a smartass and too smart for my own good some days.  I don't have time for people with control issues (I have enough of my own, thank you) and I also don't tolerate ignorance.  Try to instruct me when I know you are wrong and I WILL correct you, but unfortunately my filter doesn't always work and I am not always good at sparing feelings.  I've also got a very good memory and study WAY less than any teacher would ever recommend.
     In the last 2 weeks, I have had to deal with BLS and ACLS re-certifications.  BLS is just standard CPR information that is actually more appropriate for non-medical people and ACLS is the big one that we use in the hospital to guide what we do when and what meds we give during medical emergencies.  I have been BLS certified since I was 16 and could teach the class in my sleep.  The day I took it, I worked all night and had been up for at least 24 hours.  The instructor has control issues.  (Don't get me wrong, I like her and she's dating a friend of mine, so she can't be all bad.)  She refused to teach if everyone wasn't in the room, she made us all wait for everyone to finish their tests before we could leave...  I was well behaved though.  I never said anything (OK, I did roll my eyes and leave my test on the table cause I was annoyed, my mouth filter may have worked, but I'm always gonna be a little bit of a brat) and of course I got 100%.  Seriously, easiest test ever.
     ACLS required me to waste a good portion of my Saturday.  I had to set an alarm, so NOT cool.  I protested this by stopping for breakfast and not quite making it to the class on time.  Oops.  Even better, when I walked in, my smartass friend decided to move seats to sit with me.  And it was the same instructor.  I'm sure she muttered some obscenities when she saw me.  I was better behaved this time.  This class is actually pertinent to my career.  I will use this info.  I only made fun of the video like 5 times and only left the room twice.  Really, that's good for me for a 6 hour class.  But she still chose not to take my group for testing... hee hee.
     I am aware of my bratty tendencies and I do try to keep them some what under control.  I am thinking that I am not going to change much though.  I still hold grudges, yes, I AM working on that.  I still make inappropriate jokes.  I still swear, yes J, I know I'm "better than that".   There might be a chance that someday I'll finish growing up though, but I think I'd rather go live in Never-Never Land...

The cause of and solution to all life's problems... Homer Simpson

     What is it about alcohol?  Why does it get such control over some people?  Some people give up everything important to them because of the siren call of alcohol.  And for most people that I have been around that have a problem with alcohol, they don't see it at all.  Are they in denial or do they really not see that their relationship with alcohol is causing these problems?  I've only met 1 person that's willing to say "yeah, I drink too much. So what? I like it".  Granted,  it still cost him his marriage and his kids, but he was willing to say that it's his choice.
     I have a love-hate relationship with alcohol. I love to have a drink with my friends after work to decompress. I love to share a good bottle of wine and a good meal with the guy I love.  I hate what alcohol does to some people I care about.  At least 1 of my mom's marriages, and I suspect 2, fell apart because of alcohol. 
      Is alcohol really that addictive to some people?  I know WAY too much about what alcohol does to the body. I don't even let myself go 3 days in a row with 1 drink. I know that alcohol changes the pathways in the brain, but is it that hard to get back to yourself?  Can you heal from alcohol addiction without saying "I'm an alcoholic"? Does alcohol really make someone feel good enough to make them give up everyone they love? 
     I've got lots of questions and no answers today.  That just seems to be my life lately, all questions.  I need to make some changes, and I'm not sure which ones to make.   I guess I'll get my answers eventually...  happy Friday!

Christmas present from school???

     It's the last day of school before Christmas break, and the teacher sends home a present... Open it up and it's my favorite, an at home project!  Yay!  And I get to do it over break?  Yippee!  Anyone that knows anything about me knows how I feel about these.  This one is school wide though.  That means I get to do it with all 3 girls.  Joy!
     Ok, honestly, this one doesn't seem so bad.  A book report on a cereal box.  This has the potential to be pretty cool.  I love reading and I love talking to the girls about their books.  So, I take the girls to the library to get some books.  I also knew that all 3 of them had 4 books each under the tree.  The bad thing is that the girls like to read as much as I do and they aren't exactly decisive.  Every day for 2 weeks, I asked them about the project.  The only answers I got were either "I don't know" or "I haven't finished the book I want to use yet".  Seriously guys?  Figure it out so we can get this done already.
     And now it's the Friday before the project is due.  It's now or never because they are at their dad's house for the weekend and we know that nothing good will happen while they are there.  Good news is that S has done hers already on the computer.  All she has to do is print and glue.  Even their dad can handle that.  Better news, I actually have empty cereal boxes and construction paper.  I don't have to go to the store!!!
     Books are finally chosen, and they pick out the colors for each part of the box.  And now it's time for the drama.  Every single thing they have to write or draw causes a melt down.  I'm still not quite sure why every little thing makes them cry.  I hope that they didn't get the type of perfectionist gene that I have.  The kind that if you can't do it EXACTLY the way that you want, then it'll never be good enough, but it sure seems that way.  We have so many pieces of extra construction paper because we were covering mistakes.  And yet again, my "I'm not doing this" got thrown away, but just a little.  All I did this time was write out the characters for them. 
     I'm kinda proud of myself.  And they picked pretty good books too.  S picked a book about twins that I found for her.  The chapters alternated voice, which I always think is cool and she really enjoyed.  M picked a Bad Kitty book.  And she free-handed a pretty great pic of the cat.  And best of all, A picked Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE that they are so into good books now.  Spend enough time reading to and around your kids and they might just decide that reading is fun....

Beer and eggs may not be the breakfast of champions, but it may be the dinner of the ones that save your life

     I work night shift.  That means from 7pm to 7am I am at work.  That also means that when we have a rough shift and want to decompress with a beer after work, we are drinking at 7:30am.  And yes, we go to our breakfast restaurants in our scrubs and have no shame in ordering a pitcher (or several depending on the shift and the size of our group) of beer before 8am.  Our restaurant of choice on Monday's tends to cater to the older local population and to the young tourist families.  I LOVE seeing their faces when they see us in scrubs drinking at 8am.  It is kind of amazing that people don't understand night shift.  We can't drink at 8pm with the rest of you because we are busy keeping people alive.  And when we drink at 8am, we are usually following that up by going home and going to bed.
    EVERY time we are at breakfast though, at least one person asks our server if we are on our way in to work.  Some days, people are brave enough to ask us directly.   I usually try to refrain from my typical sarcastic remark (there is only 1 hospital in town and I don't want to have to talk to HR or administration because I answered a stupid question with sarcasm and scared/pissed off a board member or something).   It's funny and sad just how ridiculous people can be.  I really blame bad TV shows for depicting nurses as desperate, doctor hunting, drug stealing, cheating alcoholics that worry more about our social lives and which physician we are going to sleep with next than actually taking care of our patients.  (Side note: I have been a nurse for 8 years and have worked at 5 hospitals and have yet to meet a doctor that I want to sleep with and have never even considered stealing a med from a patient.)
     But let me tell you how much fun we have after work.  People that work in medicine tend to have a twisted sense of humor.   Meredith Gray (Gray's anatomy) says "I'm dark and twisty."  Yeah, I think I am too.  I think we need to be just to get past some of the stuff we see.  If I can't laugh about the some of this stuff, then I think I would totally breakdown.  The people at breakfast almost always make us laugh.
     One morning, as we are giggling about something, this older couple sits down next to us.  She says to him "I didn't know they served iced tea in those pitchers".  Granted, I guess Yuengling could be mistaken for tea, but the only ice to be found was on the outside of our frosty mugs.  Of course that just made us giggle more.
     Another time, we were chatting and I was glancing at the morning news shows (they are always on mute, so I only guess what they are actually saying) and this photo of a girl pops up.  She honestly looks like she is auditioning for Playboy.  Then the feed displays the story and it is about some high school girl that is suing because the yearbook committee (made entirely of other students) vetoed that photo for the yearbook.   If you've ever watched the morning shows (like Today, or GMA) you know that they show the same promos for 30-45 min before the actual show.  So for the next half hour I kept seeing this photo flash up on my screen.  Finally, in the middle of a sentence, I yelled out "hooker".  No idea why that came out like that, but it did.  Right at that moment, a 70+ y/o guy and his 50+y/o significant other sat at the booth next to us.  He looks over, smirks and says "tell me more about those hookers".  Needless to say, the wife/gf/so didn't look so happy with us.  I won't embarrass my friend by finishing the story.  Maybe if she reads this one, she can give her permission...
     Usually, by the end of the meal, someone has said something that has us all laughing so hard we are crying.  That becomes the quote of the day, when I remember it later...  Some of my favorites "and then I told them to show me the real thing," "and you didn't buy him a prosthetic one?" "you can't hold me down, I rebel," "dude, you're not worth the dent," and pretty much anything our server buddy JB says.
     I don't know if I should, but I think I'll tell you about when we scared the poor bar back...  I can't remember exactly how the little joke goes, but it's something like: I'm a nurse, I've seen more dick that a prostitute and I don't make as much money.   We can be pretty blue with our jokes.  If you didn't know, the foam on the top of a beer is called the head.  Some people know how to fill a pitcher so that there isn't much head and some people just can't seem to get it right.  This young guy brought out our pitcher and there was way to much foam.  So of course we start in on the "big head" jokes.  I think 4 girls asking him about head was just too much for him to take.  He not only ran away from our table, he changed his shirt so as to not be recognized by us... 
     So here's to beer and eggs, laughing with friends, pitchers of tea and scarring young guys...
   

The condo is alive with the sounds of cats being beaten... oh wait, that's just us singing

     I have always found comfort in music.  I can find music that express EVERY mood of mine.  My dad was a musician and introduced me to many styles of music at a young age.  He isn't into pop music, but he, like me, listens to pretty much everything else.  I am certain that he is the reason for my love of music.  He was never trained and may or may not be able to read music, but his knowledge of good music is extensive.  He introduced me to Eric Clapton (if anyone wants to buy me Clapton tickets for my birthday, I'd be indebted to you forever), Stevie Ray Vaughn, BB King, Hank Williams, The Beatles, etc...  He even took me to see BB King when I was a kid.
     I joined the middle school band when I was in 7th grade.  I tried to get the sax because I thought my dad would like it (plus mommom LOVED Kenny G), but the band director said no.  I became a pretty darn good clarinetist.  I had some natural talent, but if you have read some of my other posts, you know I SUCK at playing Jazz.  I could sight read music great and I memorized music quickly.
     But I can't read music to sing to save my life.  Every time I sing where people can hear me, I'm waiting for the strange looks and maybe even the "can you sing a little softer?" comments.  I went to a church once and the pastor told a story about a guy that came to him complaining about the woman singing too loud and out of tune behind him and I'm still sure that it was about me...  J claims that he likes my singing, but I think that he just said that to make me feel better.  I will never sing karaoke and I whispered through our night out caroling with the church.  Trust me, I didn't want the pastor to ask me to move to the back of the group. 
     Unfortunately, I think all 3 girls inherited my lack of singing talent.  And yet they love to sing. When they walk around the house with their iPods in, they sound kinda scary. But fortunately, they do like good music for the most part.  But they aren't afraid to listen to the same song for hours on end.  The best part of that is listening to their interpretations of the lyrics.  I think that every song they like has something about a bathroom in it.  They can turn almost any word that starts with a b into bathroom.  I really didn't think that they were that into potty humor. 

     S decided this year that she wants to do chorus.  I have encouraged her, but her sisters HATE it.  She always wants to hear her current CD (the chorus teacher sends the songs for the year home on CD so they can practice) or she is listening to it on her iPod and singing aloud.  People sound SOOOO much better when you can hear the music they are singing to.   Even J sounds funny when he sings with headphones in and I like his voice.  Poor A tries hard not to hurt S's feelings, but she can only take so much of these obscure songs that S has to learn.  6 y/o aren't the best at sparing feelings.  She isn't afraid to tell S that she can't take anymore.  It is so hard not to laugh.  My only option is to hand A her iPod too so that they can drown each other out.  OK, time to get my iPod on and torture J... nighty night.

Please don't lick the dog

     Three little girls sure make life interesting.  Between the fights and drama, the games and just the complete randomness of not only the things that come out of their mouths but the things I hear myself say, it is never a dull day in my house.  The twins are 6 and the oldest is 9.  Most of the time, they act like girls.  They fight over clothes, music, books and looks. They hate each other or everyone hates them.  And then there is the things that I never expected: S begging me to take her to church with me, K and A asking for their own bibles and all 3 of them wanting to run 5k's with me.
     No one ever told me that I'd have to referee the most ridiculous fights known to man.  "She made her stuffed animal look at your stuffed animal funny?"  Seriously???  What am I supposed to say to that?  I still wonder if making fun of their crazy temper tantrums is setting them up for a lifetime of therapy or not, but if you could just see them throw their arms up, stomp to the couch and fling themselves on it with a big huff you'd be laughing too.
     Therapy or not, I am still proud that I have at least initiated a decent appreciation for good music.  They still fall under the peer pressure of bad pop music, but they don't like Justin Beiber or One Direction and they know the words to Beatles songs.  I can handle some Taylor Swift and LMFAO as long as I can break it up with some Clapton and Jack Johnson.
     I had heard before I became a mom that I'd say things that I never thought I would, but everyday it amazes me the words that come out of my mouth.  Quote of the day "just because we can't see you doesn't mean that we can't see you".  Other ones just today include: "don't hit your sister in the head with your flipflop," "please don't lick the dog," and "can you please take my underwear off your head?"  I think that I might have to start a journal just of the things I say.  Got any funny quotes of your own to share?
    

Wow, that girl's batcrap crazy... wait, that's me? Uh oh

     I haven't had many out of body experiences, but the one I recently had seems like it might be worth sharing. I've said a lot recently about how stressful life is. I don't think that there is any aspect of my life that doesn't cause some sort of stress. And apparently the thing that brought the crazy out was the van breaking down. 
      My job can be very unreliable. I can't always get all my shifts because of the nature of the unit I work in. I love what I do, but as a single mom the unreliability is very hard on the old savings account.  When the savings account gets low, thats always when SOMETHING happens.
      My something happens to be the van falling apart.  Driving back from Orlando,  fortunately with the boy in the seat next to me, the van suddenly wouldn't accelerate.  I get frustrated and punch the steering wheel a couple times and say some words I shouldn't repeat. Luckily, the boy yells at me to pull it together and I kinda calm down.
      Two days later, rental car is picked up and the van is in the shop. I'm a giant bundle of nerves. Every inch of my body is tense and ready to snap.  My brilliant self decides that I should have some wine. And not just a glass, I drank the entire bottle. Oh, and I didn't have dinner. Like I said, brilliant.
      I honestly don't know what all I did to make myself look like a complete fool, but I know that I yelled and I cried and I threw things.   I also know that the entire time I was doing all this, that it was crazy. But I was not in control. That crazy lady had control.  And boy, that lady was batcrap crazy.  Crying, fully dressed in the bathtub crazy...
      Have you ever had the crazy lady take control?  How did you make her go away?  I finally put myself in bed and woke up sane. And fortunately,  still in a relationship. He must really love me if the crazy lady didn't scare him away...